Lines You Won't Hear in Blade
by Universal Queen
Summary: Compiled for your amusement, the following is a list of what I strongly believe are fictional outtakes and hysterical extended scenes from Blade. CONTAINS SPOILERS! Comments and reviews welcome.


**Lines You Won't Hear in Blade**

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters quoted here. None whatsoever. They are the exclusive property of Stephen Norrington & David S. Goyer. All of the embellishments are mine, but the script dialogue is (as far as I can tell) Mr. Goyer's. I make no money writing this—it is purely art for art's sake. Thank you, and enjoy.

* * *

Outtake #1: 

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: You used me as bait?

**Blade**: Get over it.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Fuck you, asshole! Don't you tell me to "get over" you almost killing me!

* * *

Outtake #2: 

**Deacon Frost**: You may wake up one day and find yourself extinct.

**Dragonetti**: Is that a threat, Frost?

**Deacon Frost**: (_mocking_) "Is that a threat, Frost?" What the fuck do you care, old man?

* * *

Outtake #3: 

**Whistler**: I'm getting too old for this shit!

**Blade**: (_under his breath_) You're telling me…

* * *

Outtake #4: 

**Quinn**: I'm gonna be naughty! I'm gonna be a naughty vampire god!

(_Deacon Frost narrows his eyes at Quinn_.)

**Deacon Frost**: You're going to be a _naughty_ vampire god?

**Quinn**: Hell yeah! Why not?

(_Deacon Frost laughs out loud_.)

**Quinn**: What? What's funny?

**Deacon Frost**: (_giggling_) You are _such_ a dumb-ass…

* * *

Outtake #5a: 

(_Blade is facing down Deacon Frost in the park_.)

**Deacon Frost**: How you doing, chief?

**Blade**: Oh, not so good, doc—I'm afraid I got a touch of the "blow-your-head-off"-itis—don't worry, though, I got just the thing for it—(_reaches for his gun_)

**Deacon Frost**: Easy... (_pulls a little girl closer to him_) Wouldn't want our little friend here to wind up in the back of a milk carton now, would we?

(_Pause_.)

**Blade**: I got to hand it to you, Frost—you sure know how to kill a vampire-hunting hard-on.

**Deacon Frost**: It's what I do best.

* * *

Outtake #5b: 

(_Blade is facing down Deacon Frost in the park_.)

**Deacon Frost**: God, it's finally nice to meet you, man.

**Blade**: You a fan, or something?

**Deacon Frost**: You might say that. I had my eye on you for years.

**Blade**: (_not amused_) What?

**Deacon Frost**: Well, see, I know all about you. Your serum… Whistler… Everything. Even your preferred types of beer, toothpaste and condoms.

**Blade**: Bullshit.

**Deacon Frost**: Miller, Aquafresh and Trojans. (_grins_) Ribbed.

(_Pause_.)

**Blade**: You been going through my trash, motherfucker?

**Deacon Frost**: (_pleased_) And then some.

**Blade**: So what the fuck kind of sunblock are you wearing that keeps you from bursting into flames out here?

**Deacon Frost**: Hey, it's a start, right? The goal, of course, is to be like you—the Daywalker! You got the best of both worlds, don't you? All our strengths... none of our weaknesses...

**Blade**: Yeah, well maybe I don't see it that way.

**Deacon Frost**: Then you must be a bigger dumb-ass than I thought.

* * *

Outtake #5c: 

(_Blade is facing down Deacon Frost in the park—and has been told of Deacon's envying Blade's ability to go outside without bursting into flames_.)

**Blade**: Yeah, well maybe I don't see it that way.

**Deacon Frost**: Oh, so it's back to pretending we're human again? C'mon... spare me the Uncle Tom routine, okay?

**Blade**: Nice black reference—you come up with that all by yourself, or did one of your lackeys do the research for you?

**Deacon Frost**: You can't keep denying what you are, man. You think the humans will ever accept a half-breed like you? They can't... they're afraid of you... and they should be. You're an animal, man—you're a violent, bloodthirsty, fucking maniac!

**Blade**: (_stone-faced_) You're not exactly getting on my good side, you pasty-faced wigger.

**Deacon Frost**: (_waves a free arm_) Look at 'em!

**Blade**: (_staring at Frost_) Oh no, I'm not about to fall for that one.

**Deacon Frost**: No, I mean in general! They're cattle—walking, talking, eating, sleeping, fucking, shitting and dying pieces of meat. What difference does it make how their world ends? Plague... war... famine… some jackass falling asleep on the button and launching a fucking nuclear explosion… Morality doesn't even enter into it. Just pettiness, stupidity and chance. We're just a function of natural selection, man. The new race...

**Blade**: (_gesturing to his cheek_) Looks like your mascara's running...

**Deacon Frost**: Oh, fucking damn it— (_wipes a bit of sunblock from his face, before realizing what it is_) oh, FUCK!

**Blade**: (_amused_) Fucking candy-ass goth…

(_Deacon Frost covers the part of his face he wiped the sunblock from, as Blade chuckles_.)

**Deacon Frost**: Don't scare me like that, damn it! It took me three fucking hours to get my shit on right!

**Blade**: What shit? The pissant mascara or that industrial-strength white shit you got all over your face?

**Deacon Frost**: That's beside the point! My point is that I'm offering you a truce. I want you with us.

**Blade**: After you insult me with the "Uncle Tom" and "fucking maniac" bullshit? What—do you think I'm stupid?

**Deacon Frost**: No, but I'm prepared to offer you anything you could possibly want to apologize for insulting you.

**Blade**: Anything?

**Deacon Frost**: (_seductively_) Anything. Money, your own apartment, all the blood you can suck—quality shit, too, type-O—quality leather, designer jeans, shiny PVC, BDSM whipping session, lap-dance, tossed salad, circle jerk, blowjob—anything.

**Blade**: (_clarifying_) From _you_?

**Deacon Frost**: Except cooking. I don't do that shit.

(_Pause_.)

**Blade**: You coming on to me, motherfucker?

**Deacon Frost**: Actually, you'd be coming onto me.

**Blade**: That's it. I'm done.

* * *

Outtake #5d: 

(_Blade is facing down Deacon Frost in the park—the latter is using a little girl as a human shield_.)

**Deacon Frost**: You're familiar with the Blood god?

**Blade**: Frost... you and I both know you're nothing to me but another dead vampire.

**Deacon Frost**: _Un_dead.

**Blade**: (_annoyed_) _Re_-dead. I don't give a fuck.

**Deacon Frost**: You're an idiot—you know that? I came down here, offering you an easy way out, and possibly even a blowjob, and you spit it right back in my fucking face!

**Blade**: (_reach for his gun again_) Oh, I'd much rather spit something else at your fucking face…

**Deacon Frost**: (_picks up the little girl by the throat_) Careful! I got a human shield!

**Blade**: (_aiming his gun at Frost_) What do I care? They're nothing but cattle... just like you said.

(_Pause_.)

**Deacon Frost**: Impaled on my own sword.

**Blade**: Oh yeah. Big time.

**Deacon Frost**: Fucking _hell_. Fine. If you wanna take the hard road, be my guest, pal. But I promise you, by the time this is over, you're gonna wish they never cut you from your mother's dirty, stinking, filthy… hey, isn't this the part where you try to shoot me?

**Blade**: Nah. I'd much rather just watch you twist in the wind…before I fucking put my boot up your lily ass.

* * *

Outtake #6: 

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: How'd you get that scar, Deacon? A born vampire would have the power to regenerate from birth.

**Deacon Frost**: Score one for Captain Obvious.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: You must've gotten scarred before you were turned. Isn't that right?

**Deacon Frost**: That is none of your goddamn business.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Vampires like you aren't a species. You're just infected—with a virus—the equivalent of a sexually transmitted dis—

**Deacon Frost**: (_facing her_) I'll tell you what we are, sister!

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: I ain't no sister of yours, motherf—

**Deacon Frost**: (_yelling, cutting her off_) —We're the top of the fucking food chain, bitch! The Blood god's coming and after tonight, you people are fucking history.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Oh, "you people"?

**Deacon Frost**: (_smacking his forehead_) God_damn_ it, not again…

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: I never thought I would have to deal with vampires—but RACIST vampires?! That is some _bullshit_ right there! And just what the hell's your precious little "blood god" gonna do, anyway—stain my jeans?

**Deacon Frost**: He's a hurricane. A wildfire. An act of God. Anyone caught in his path will instantly be turned. Everyone you've ever known... everyone you've ever fucking loved... it won't matter who's pureblood and who's not. How are you gonna cure the whole fucking world? Hm?

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: I got a better question—how are you supposed to get fresh human blood _if we all turn vampire_?

(_Pause, as Deacon stares her down with narrow, smiling eyes_.)

**Deacon Frost**: What makes you think we'll need _human_ blood?

(_Pause, as Karen thinks about it_…)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Eew…

* * *

Outtake #7: 

**Blade**: You better wake up. The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it... the _real_ world. And if you want to survive it, you better learn to PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER!

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: I'm standing right here—you don't have to shout!

* * *

Outtake #8: 

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Wait! I'm coming with you.

**Blade**: You're useless.

(_Karen whips out a handgun, fires a warning shot near his foot, and then points the barrel of the gun at his head_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Listen, Blade. I've had a rough night—my colleague got killed, my lab got trashed, and I got attacked and infected with some vampiric blood disease and left for dead. And since none of that shit's ever happened to you, I think you should know that it's not something that I can just pretend it never fucking happened. I'm coming with you and you're going to help me get the bastards who attacked me, because I'm not getting left behind again—understand?

(_Pause_.)

**Blade**: Now, see? That's what I'm talking about. You finally learned how to pull the trigger. Now get on and let's roll.

* * *

Outtake #8: 

(_Blade has killed a vampire and starts rifling through the body's pockets_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Oh, great. Now you're robbing him. You gonna rob me, too?

**Blade**: How do you think we fund this organization? We're not exactly the March of Dimes.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: What, you can't a grant?

**Blade**: No.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Well, that's a shame—I heard most crime-fighting organizations can get government grants.

**Blade**: Not when the "organization" consists of guys like me, and my older acquaintance who doesn't pay his fucking taxes.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Oh.

* * *

Outtake #9: 

**Blade**: There are worse things out tonight than vampires.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Like what? Drug pushers? Gangs? Pimps?

**Blade**: Like _me_.

(_Pause, as Karen narrows her eyes at Blade_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: You sell drugs?

**Blade**: No.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: You shoot people?

**Blade**: When I have to.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: You slap women around?

(_Pause, as Blade considers how to answer that_.)

**Blade**: Depends on the situation.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: But you don't sell drugs, right?

**Blade**: No.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Then you're _hardly_ the worst thing out tonight.

* * *

Outtake #10: 

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: So what do you use? Stakes? Crosses?

**Whistler**: Crosses don't do jack shit. Learned that the hard way when we took out that brood of bloodsuckers hiding out in the basement of the Methodist church in the city. Fifteen years ago. That was a fucking massacre, all right…

* * *

Outtake #11: 

**Blade**: Okay. Vampire Anatomy 101. Crosses and running water _don't do dick_. So forget what you've seen in the movies. You use a stake, silver or sunlight. And maybe ground-up garlic—if you want to irritate the fuck out of them. (_picks up a handgun_) You know how to use one of these?

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: No, but I'll damn sure learn quick.

(_He hands her the gun_.)

**Blade**: Safety's off, round's already chambered. Silver hollow-point bullets filled with garlic.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Bullets filled with garlic?

**Blade**: Like I said, garlic irritates the fuck out of vampires. They're allergic to it, or something—won't eat that shit and they don't like touching it, either. If you can get garlic into their circulatory systems, it will naturally irritate the fuck out of their circulatory systems.

(_Pause, as Karen considers the notion of an allergic reaction of one's circulatory system_...)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Sounds painful.

**Blade**: It is. You aim for the head or the heart. Anything else, it's your ass...

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: They'll kill me?

**Blade**: That, and if they don't—for whatever reason—_I will_, 'cuz that silver's fucking expensive.

* * *

Outtake #12: 

**Pearl**: He's gonna kill me! You need me, Frost! You need me!

**Deacon Frost**: Please. I need you like I need a fat, ugly, albino, piece of shit leech who can't even hunt his own prey or get the fuck out of his basement or stand up and defend himself—oh wait, that's _you_, isn't it?

**Pearl**: Help me, goddamn you!

**Deacon Frost**: Fuck off and kiss your fat ass good-bye, you lazy pig. Hell, your ass is definitely up past your shoulders by now. All you gotta do is turn your head and pucker up.

**Pearl**: I hope La Magra fucking violates every orifice of your body before ripping out your goddamn entrails, you little pencil-dick, motherfucking, ass-munching SHIT RAG!

**Deacon Frost**: Pearl, you're history. Have the good grace to die with some fucking dignity.

**Pearl**: Fuck you, dick-cheese! I can't believe I let you make me go through the Daywalker's garbage!

* * *

Outtake #13: 

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Isn't this just a little high-tech? I thought vampires were more into cobwebs and coffins.

**Blade**: You've been watching too much TV. They've got their claws into everything—politics, finance, real estate... They already own half of downtown.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Which half?

**Blade**: The one with the Hot Topic.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: That explains a few things…

* * *

Outtake #14: 

(_Blade has been captured and bound by Quinn_.)

**Quinn**: Oh, lookie here. (_removes a silver stake from Blade's holster_) Silver. Must have cost you a pretty penny, huh?

**Blade**: You. Put. That. Back.

**Quinn**: (_to his compadres_) Now this here is a man who takes his job just a little too seriously, don't you think? Come to think of it, Blade, I owe you one.

(_He stabs the stake into Blade's shoulder_.)

**Quinn**: You like how that tastes?

**Blade**: Try that again, asshole…

**Quinn**: You know, that's not a bad idea. Actually, if you want to get technical, Blade... (_lifts another stake_) I owe you two. And maybe a third one for your balls, since I'm feeling a little generous...

* * *

Outtake #15: 

(_Blade and Karen have cornered Pearl in his basement lair_...)

**Blade**: We're gonna have a little game of twenty questions. Depending on how you answer, you may walk out of here with a tan. Provided, of course, you can walk at all. (_points at the computer screen_) What's _that_?

**Pearl**: Oh, that? It's nothing—it's routine research, heh, heh... Actually, it's a video game...

(_Blade snaps his fingers. Karen shines the UV lamp on Pearl, searing his flesh. Pearl screams, then Karen shuts it off._)

**Blade**: That must have hurt.

**Pearl**: (_in pain_) Sonuvabitch, that fucking hurts like fuck!

**Blade**: Now, let's try this again. What is it?

**Pearl**: It's a fragment! A piece of the prophecy!

**Blade**: What prophecy?

**Pearl**: Uh, I'm not really sure. I mean, there are so many of them...

(_Karen, without being asked, fries him again._)

**Pearl**: (_screaming_) OW! OW OW OW OW OW OW! OW!

**Blade**: (_yelling at Karen)_ What happened to the signal we talked about?

(_Karen shuts off the UV lamp_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Sorry.

**Pearl**: (_in pain_) Fucking donkey dick, _ow_! My precious epidermis!

* * *

Outtake #16: 

**Deacon Frost**: I need twelve volunteers. And, of course, by "volunteers" I mean "unwilling-victims-who-are-unable-to-do-anything-other-than-sacrifice-themselves-to-La-Magra." Now, let's get this party started.

* * *

Outtake #17: 

**Blade**: You see the parking valets? They're vampires. So's the doorman... and the whore on the corner.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: How can you tell?

**Blade**: By the way they move. The way they smell. And the fact that they're all wearing black.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Oh, come on—anyone can wear black.

**Blade**: Are you?

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Well, not now…

**Blade**: My point exactly.

* * *

Outtake #18: 

(_Karen sprays Officer Krieger with garlic mace_.)

**Officer Krieger**: What is this? Garlic?

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Yeah, well, he said it would work against vampires.

**Officer Krieger**: Vampires? Who said I was a vampire?

(_Pause_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Aren't you?

**Officer Krieger**: Hell no, sweetheart. What the fuck kind of vampire would just make a guy a vampire without putting the poor bastard through a bit of grunt work? No. The guy's gotta train at the lowest rung of the food-chain first—get experience. Get a taste for it. I mean, do you know anybody who'd make some untrained schmuck an officer who just asked for the job out of the blue?

(_Blade tackles Krieger, and then stands_.)

**Blade**: Nobody.

* * *

Outtake #19: 

**Officer Krieger**: Go fuck yourself!

**Blade**: (_draws his gun_) Fuck me? No, you fuck this!

**Officer Krieger**: I fucking dare you to fucking _make_ me fuck that! Fucker!

(_Pause_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: I believe you just got served, Blade.

* * *

Outtake #20: 

(_Blade has been captured and is being tortured in Frost's attic dungeon_.)

**Deacon Frost**: I heard you've been looking for me. I'm flattered.

**Blade**: It'll pass.

**Deacon Frost**: I doubt it.

**Blade**: Where... you sonuva... where...

**Deacon Frost**: What? Your serum? Can't help you now, stud.

**Blade**: I _knew_ it... I knew you...

**Deacon Frost**: You knew I what? Had an obsessive crush on you? It took you _this_ long to figure it out? Goddamn, but you are a dumb-ass...

* * *

Outtake #21: 

(_Blade pins Quinn to the wall with his silver spikes, and then gets out his blowtorch_.)

**Blade**: Quinn. I'm getting a little tired of chopping you up. Thought I might try fire for a change.

**Quinn**: Motherfucker, only one of us is flaming, and it sure as shit ain't me.

**Blade**: Not yet, anyway.

(_Blade takes the blowtorch to him_.)

* * *

Outtake #22: 

(_Blade has just met his mother, who is now a vampire_.)

**Blade**: So, wait. Hold up a second. Let me see if I got this straight. Frost is the vampire jackass that attacked my mother the night she gave birth to me. My mother, who was bitten by said vampire, did not die, as I was previously led to believe. She was made a vampire, herself, and has been shacking up with said son of a bitch for the last 30 years of my fucked up excuse for a life. I had to be motherless for all those goddamn years, and just so my mother could wear designer dresses, and get her hair styled, and look all gorgeous, and drink innocent peoples' blood, and sleep with the asshole who's been stalking me for some fucked up reason that I'm not even sure I want to know. Possibly something to do with taking advantage of me sexually, and something concerning a "blood god" who's going to turn all humans into vampires, so that the survivors can commit vampire cannibalism. Is _that_ what the fuck this is all about? Is it? Cannibalism, rape, debauchery and incest?

(_Blade's mother is at a loss for words_.)

**Deacon Frost**: Well, here we are. One big happy fucking family!

**Blade**: Shut your cracker-ass up! Nobody's talking to you!

* * *

Outtake #23: 

**Blade**: I promise you, Frost, you will be dead by dawn.

**Deacon Frost**: Nice Evil Dead reference. You come up with that all by yourself, or did you hire some nerd to write it for you?

**Blade**: Go fuck yourself.

* * *

Outtake #24: 

(_Whistler hands Blade the UV flashlight_.)

**Blade**: Still heavy.

**Whistler**: You're so big.

**Blade**: Yeah, about that. No offense, 'cuz you're the closest thing I've got to a dad and all, but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't say shit like that when we've got company over.

(_He gestures to Karen, who is busy occupying herself with the lab equipment_.)

**Blade**: It just sounds creepy, you know?

* * *

Outtake #25: 

**Dragonetti**: I was born a vampire. But you... you were merely turned. Like sour milk. Or cottage cheese past its expiration date. Or mayonnaise left out in the sun.

**Deacon Frost**: Okay! Okay! You hate my guts because I'm lower status than you! I get it! Jeez, you don't have to rub my goddamn nose in it...

* * *

Outtake #26 

**Crease**: I've got his pig-sticker!

**Mercury**: Eew…

(_Crease holds up a spear he nabbed from Blade_.)

**Crease**: "Eew"? What's "eew" about this? It's not dirty, or anything. It's actually quite shiny.

**Mercury**: If it's a spear, call it a "spear."

**Crease**: And not "pig-sticker"?

**Mercury**: No.

**Crease**: Why not? What did you think I meant when I said "pig-sticker"?

**Mercury**: I don't want to talk about it.

**Crease**: Why don't you like "pig-sticker"?

**Mercury**: Stop it.

**Crease**: Pig-sticker! Pig-sticker! Pig-sticker!

(_Mercury punches him in the face_.)

* * *

Outtake #27: 

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Why do you hunt them?

**Whistler**: I had a family once. Wife, two daughters. Then a drifter came calling one evening. Thought he was a salesman, or something, but no. He was a fucking a vampire. He toyed with them first. Tied up my wife and hung her over the fireplace to use her for his knife-throwing practice, then lit a fire under her. Bound and gagged my daughters on their bed, ready to be shot execution-style. Tried to make me decide what order they'd die in. So, first chance I had, I ran to the gun room, grabbed my twelge-gauge, and shot him in the balls. Fucking sadist bastard...

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Are you sure he was a vampire?

**Whistler**: Doc, my wife was 350 pounds. There's no way in hell a normal man could have lifted her up over the fireplace like that. Also, the shot in the balls didn't really do much, except cause him to make a funny face before he beat the everliving shit out of me.

* * *

Outtake #28: 

**Blade**: I'm not human.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: You look human to me.

**Blade**: Humans don't drink blood.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Yes, they do. Maybe not always on purpose, but it happens. When I was younger, I got in a fight with a neighborhood bully, and she punched me in the nose, and my mother told me to hold my head back with my nose pinched to stop the bleeding, but all it did was make the blood go down into my mouth and I swallowed it. The swelling was painful, but to be honest, the blood itself didn't taste too bad.

**Blade**: Karen...

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: And there are plenty of people who order pink, bloody steaks all the time. It's not healthy, I know. But there are people who are so anemic, they need extra protein from meats and... what?

**Blade**: No offense, but you're not really helping.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: I'm just saying that drinking blood isn't such a big deal. You know, maybe you could think about letting it go? Try to be like everyone else.

**Blade**: I have spent my entire life searching for that thing that killed my mother, and made me what I am. And every time I take one of those monsters out, I get a little piece of that life back. So don't you talk to me about forgetting.

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: I never said "forget." Just accept it. As part of what you are.

(_Pause_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: (_a bit malicious_) And maybe, you know, _get over it_.

(_Blade gets up and walks away_.)

**Dr. Karen Jenson**: Fine. Be emo. See if I care.

* * *

To be continued in the next installment! 


End file.
